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| I SMELL BULLSHIT.
so i can't believe shes throwing such a fit about this shit. Its the most rediculous thing ive seen in a while.
Apperantly im a "bitch", a "cunt licker", a "cunt" in general, a "flake" and a "twoface".
Thats a little extreme if you ask me, just for fucking enjoying my birthday-day.
Just because im not falling over myself to be with her; thats all she wants from anybody.
for them to fall on their face loving her- which is near impossible with all the fucking shit she makes people put up with.
Ive never heard someone hold themselves in such high regard. Dont get me wrong, having self esteem is cool. Being full of yourself AND full of shit at the same time is a horse of a different color.
She just likes to start all this shit so she can have a reason to fight with people, and try to make herself look like shes going through all this shit. "poor me with all my money and no one to spend it on but myself".
Poor pathetic thing is never going to have any friends again if she keeps being full of herself.
Its pretty ugly to watch, and im glad i dont have to stress over her bullshit anymore.
She needs so much attention, its like if she doesnt get it she just freaks out. Yah i might be younger than her, but she doesnt know a whole lot more than i when it comes to knowing how to deal with your friends, knowing how to spend time with them and knowing how to read them.
You dont fucking put them down like she does. Its fucking rude and abnoxious.
and it makes you look liek the shit you are.
She pretends like shes such a golden heart/when SHES the twofaced one. ALWAYS ALWASY , every time i talked to her , she always talks behind peoples backs. makes them look stupid, calls them names like retarted or ugly. Like shes the fucking catch of the day.
I dont need her to make me cards and buy me cakes. and i certainly dont need her pitty. Shes not my only friend, thank you very much, and none of my friends (in the area) were doing anything for me AND THATS THE WAY I WANTED IT. stupid, damn, didnt she hear me say "im so happy sitting here talking to the people who i REALLY love, and who i know really love me". but i suppose she wouldnt know anything about that. One things for sure, i never felt that with her. It was good times, thats for sure. Hella fun - except for when she put me down and degrated me to no end. But i never loved her the way i love Fiona or Erica. It takes years to build that and im suprised her parants have lasted this long with her and her shit.
You know whats funny, is i didnt do anything fucking wrong or anything.
It was MY birthday and there were plans, but then they fell through - which i didnt even really want the plans to begin with so what the shit? i was hella cool just sitting at home. Fuck man, its not "geeky" or "lame" to do what makes you happy like talking to THE PEOPLE WHO REALLY CARE ABOUT YOU.
fuck if she thought i was so fucking fake then why'd she put up the front? < speaking of twofaced <
Well, i can honestly say ive never cut anyone out of my life, but if she didnt beat me to the punch, this would definitly be a first.
Its nice to know though, that i dont hate her as much as she hates me apperantly.
Shes so fucking extreme - its just plain amusing.
Anyways, im not going to stress about it because i know i didnt do anythign hella wrong. Shes way over reacting - like she always does, and if she wants to get all worked up about it then so be it. i dont really give a shit.
"she regrets messing things up with you and is trying to convince herself you're a horrible person so she doesn't have to regret it"
I agree. If i really did fuck up - then maybe i would feel bad. hah, truck that!
(i hope this doesnt sound like im "hiding my pain and anger through humor" sorta thing - because im not. i really just dont give a shit)
HELLA relieved.
PS. Just realized why she always relates everything to sex. Because its an easy superficial way to twist things to her will.
But theres deeper shit to be dealt with - little does she know. poor thing. how i pitty her.
PPS/ what a waste it was to even try to go to flogging molly with her (now THATs what i call a fuck up)
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| So ive been 19 years old now for one hour and thirty nine minutes. I'm not quite sure how i feel (which i think is a 'forshadow' of how my whole 'being 19 experience' will be; ie-me being unsure). I suppose i should be happy, because its my birthday. But the ones who i love arnt here to share it with me. I miss erica and fiona. Dont get me wrong, im totally grateful for my mom and my grandma - i love them to no end. But im still kinda blue. Nils didnt call me yet. if it was last year he would have called me exactly at 12:01. I mean, i didnt really expect anyone to text or call (some did and it made me really realy happy) . at 12:00 i was with teddie, and it didnt even occur to me that i was going to turn 19 with him. thats weird i think, and im not sure im content with that. i would have rather been with my mom and grandma, or talking to jesus. And you know, instead of me feeling like "a new year lies ahead" and all happy and all, i feel more like "shit -time is going by really fast and things are changing and i cant stop it and my year of being 18 is gone - along with all my happy memories of turning/being 18. 19 is going to be shit i think. which i know that its not good to have such a bleak outlook for the future, but i feel like everythings gone so horribly wrong that it cant possibly turn out good. yah im pretty screwed. what a fuckin kick off to my big birthday bash. Maura wants to go to haight tomrorw, which i am very very happy about. im not sure i want some people there, id rather it just be me maura and jesus, cause theyre the only ones who i...i duno..truly have fun with? like truly? and i know i havent screwed them over yet. .whereas ...i cant say as much for other people. OK now im gonna go write a couple letters, paint a little and pray to jesus that jesus gets on freakin line so we can video.
"
Your solar eyes are like
Nothing I have ever seen
Somebody close
That was made for you
I'd take a fall and you know
That I'd do anything
I will for you"
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| You Can Plan A Pretty Picnic But You Cant Predict The Weather.
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| What went right?
What went wrong?
Was it a story, or was it a song?
Was it overnight, or did it take you long?
Was knowing your weakness what made you strong?
I can't believe i'm caught in the very situation that i was trying to avoide. And you know waht? I was expecting it. I was waiting for it to happen. For those little events to occur, for those words to be said. And then it happend. And now i'm like - FUCK. I'm unsure of what i'm doing now, and i personally don't feel like myself. I feel like all the thoughts that i would normally think are miles away from me, that the strength i once thought i had is 3000 miles away in boston. I swear to god, this is the one thing i don't want to happen. Those are the feelings that i was trying to ignore, but shit - it's too late now. But i do have some control over what i'm doing (though my sense of what is right and wrong, what will hurt and what won't is somewhat clouded). I know that it's not going to work. It's just not. I'm not going to try - he's not going to try, so what the fuck? Well then why haven't i done it already? It's complicated damnit. And I know what i have to do, i know how to do it but finding the time is just as hard as trying to make it work. So i wish people would just back off - just a little! So that i can breathe. People are like "oh this is bad, you need to end it" "its not good" "its not healthy" "well what are you doing?". It hurts me man, when you say that shit. Im not stupid. I see that it's not good. And you know, maybe if all you didnt put it in my head so much that it wasnt good - then maybe i would want to try harder to make it work. But its too late now, cause im already the bad guy. Yup. SCREWED. I don't know what i'm doing. And i hate it. I'm partly following my heart - and thats bad. FUCK. Ok, dont want to think about this anymore.
I must sound so dumb.
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| my xanga hasnt changed since about sophomore year. and i like it that way.
i wish it was easier for me to express myself. i feel like it used to be so much easier ..for alot of things. like figuring other people out, spending time with people i love, explaining my thoughts. now things just dont seem to work out right. i wish people could read my thoughts some times so that they could just know when i feel bad or so they could see for themselves how happy they make me feel.
there are four people who i despratly need to see on a regular basis - and ive only seen half of them on that basis. the other half ...i dont know, like i said things just dont seem to work out right. perhaps i should try harder. but that means putting myself out there. and i hate feeling that feeling when things dont work out and your left hanging.
if its not one thing, its always the other.
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